AD Furious Over Student Nicknames
Frustration leads to extreme measures
Portville athletic director, Mr. DeBarbieri, has banned all use of student nicknames on sports teams this year.
Citing new state 'sensitivity and diversity' laws, the long-time educator felt that a gag on nicknames was a good place to
start in his department.
Instead of hearing names like 'Squeaky', 'Dufus', 'Dude', 'Missy', 'Thelma Sue', and even 'Bobby' being called for down
the halls, the AD wants everyone to address each other by their proper first names, as in Robert, James, Catherine, and Elizabeth.
Students will always address adults and elders with the proper title before their last name. Mr. DeBarbieri had 2,000
copies of an 86-page "regulation booklet" printed up for the school and community.
"Alot of the teasing and emotional abuse involves certain students giving weaker students derogatory nicknames," commented
Mr. DeBarbieri during an interview at Jan's Restaurant. "And these names stick with the poor kid for the rest of their
school career. I hope the rest of the school follows our lead...that I started among the athletic squads this year.
I'd like to see this type of negative atmosphere destroyed across the whole school," he added emphatically.
According to townspeople, the Portville AD has been proposing this effort for several months. Even though there
has been little opposition from the adults, the PCS students are having a difficult time adjusting to this mega-shift in culture.
A senior student who wished to remain anonymous had her own opinion on the new rules. "My God! I don't even
know the real first names of half my friends. I have to really think about who I'm talking to any more. My cell
phone life has been really screwed up. I think it's a bunch of bull...even if Mr. DeBarbieri is just following the state
laws."
Another anonymous senior had an interesting theory that he insisted was based on total fact. "It all started last
year, when someone...and I don't know who...began calling him 'Mr. AD'. Next thing ya know, and it's 'Mr. Anno Domini',
as in 'Charlamagne's reign began in 800 A.D.' 'Anno' turned into 'Anal' and 'Domini' turned into 'Dom', 'Dominic', 'Mr.
Dom', 'Mr. Dominic'. You get the picture."
"So in order to get students to stop calling him, and each other, these names...he took a drastic step. Even the
teachers have to stop calling each other by nicknames. It's 'Mr. this' and 'Mrs. that'. Wow!"
The fact that Mr. DeBarbieri also wants to change the 'AD' title to something else adds credence to this theory.
"I'm not an 'Athletic Director'. I'm more of a 'People Supervisor'. But don't think about calling me 'Supe' for
short," he instructed.
"I like the idea," noted one veteran teacher, "but it may be too old school for these times. But, hey, other districts
have done crazier things."
